It's crazy how easily we lose sight of what's important. It's crazy how quickly we humans forget. It's just crazy.
It's crazy to think that just over a year and a half ago if you asked me if I knew I was loved I would have responded, "Without a shadow of a doubt! God loves me more than anyone ever could and I know that ONE HUNDRED percent!"
And here I sit, a little over a year and a half later, doubting God's love for me.
You see, after my father passed away I was showered with SO much love, prayers, hugs, letters of encouragement. You name it, I got it. I felt love in so many ways and of course I gave all the credit to God, and rightly so. I truly believe He deserves all the thanks for the love His children showed me in the time of hurt and confusion my family and I were experiencing.
But why can't I feel it now? Is it because my wounds have scarred over into tougher flesh? Is it because I stopped being flooded with facebook messages and cards? Or is it simply because I stopped looking?
In that time I didn't have to look. I literally had people jumping on me to give me all the love and comfort I needed and then some. I couldn't be more grateful for that. But soon after, people started moving on with their lives. My hurt was no longer their hurt. That's just the way things are and no one can be mad for that. Life moves on.
But I didn't.
I was sent into a spiral of self pity. Since I wasn't getting pity from others, I subconsciously decided to pity myself in order to make others pity me. (Sounds disgusting and manipulative, I know, but I didn't recognize I was doing this until later). I ended up taking advantage of the ones I loved most and who loved me most because I simply couldn't get enough pity. All the while, I was literally blind. I had no idea this is what I was doing. Luckily, I had people who knew me better than I did. I can't thank them enough for what they did for me.
I had no idea how right they were because of how blind I was. I bought into a lie straight from Satan himself.
"You are not good enough. No one really loves you. You will never be able to get out of this hole you dug yourself so why even try? All of your labor is in vain. Just give up."
And that's is exactly what I did.
I gave up. I gave up on my friendships. I gave up on my classes. I gave up on everything.
It wasn't until I moved away that I was able to realize all of this. It wasn't until I had this veil of lies lifted from my face that I was able to see how correct my cherished friends really were.
A dear friend text me today with these simple words,
"Hey I love you"
It was as simple as that. We started off our conversation as normal, "I miss you." "I miss you, too." Blah blah blah, but a simple reminder of where I was a little over a year and a half ago was what we both needed.
She simply reminded me of a status I had posted on my 20th birthday.
The status reads:
"Wow, God. You truly never cease to amaze me. You are the EVERLASTING God. You do NOT fail. I have never been so sure of your love for me than on this day. God, you really do make beautiful things out of dust. You have blest me with a family that loves me and a school that loves me. You have turned what I thought was going to be the worst birthday ever into the absolute, without a doubt, BEST birthday ever. While these days will be SO hard to come, I will look to you for guidance. I will look to you for peace. I will look you for the comfort that only you can give. God, you are so incredible. I thank you so much for the wonderful father I had and the life he lived. I know he loved me so much. God, I love you so much. You are the only reason I'm getting to celebrate 20 years of life on this beautiful earth you created. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, SO much, for EVERYTHING."
Like I said, I knew God loved me beyond a shadow of a doubt.
He still does. I know that, but I had lost sight of it.
Do we lose faith in God because we, His children, are failing to let others know how truly loved we are?
I know I do not let others know how much they mean to me nearly as often as I should.
I John 4:11 -- "Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."
It's as simple as that ladies and gents. Let others know how truly loved they are. Not only by you, but by our Almighty Father!
I challenge those who have made it this far in my ramblings, as well as myself, to let others know the love you have for them, but more importantly the love God has for them. Join me in this challenge.
After all, aren't the greatest commands to love God and others?
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Unexpected
For some particular reason, today my heart is filled with sadness. I looked back on all the comments my dad left on my blog. He was so proud of me.
I can't quite wrap my mind around why today I am so thoughtful of him.
The date has no significance.
Nothing special really happened.
I just feel a strong urge to share the words my dad wrote.
Take them in and let them speak to you wherever you are in life.
"May your eyes look upon a world filled with joy and love this season and all seasons.
May your troubles be few and far between.
May you always feel the love around you and know there is a mighty Creator watching out for you. And may your sunny side always be up.
May you overcome all of what will surely seem like obstacles, and recognize that they are really lessons placed there by a Higher Being we all need to learn.
May you learn something new each day which brings greater peace and joy to all your tomorrows.
May the wind be at your back all along your journey and may you always land on your feet if you should stumble.
May you always appreciate the beauty of Nature and may your flowers always bloom.
May you each day more and more enjoy the fruits of your generous kindnesses to others and may know that each one of your good deeds will come back to bless you many times over.
May the rest of the world see you as I do, a colorful and wonderful flower of humanity who makes the world a better place to be.
So remember always when life throws you a curveball all you need to do is Keep the Sunny Side Up and don't let anything get you down.
Remember that tomorrow's another day and each new day brings with it more and more miracles.
Don't sweat the small stuff and keep your eyes on the Big Picture.
And no matter what you do, just make sure that you always keep the sunny side up.
You need not be careful or careless.You need merely cast your cares upon our Loving Creator because he cares for you because He loves you.
May you never underestimate the power of being under God's care. It is the power that moves mountains.
And when the appointed time comes for your body to leave this earth, may your spirit return once again to God our Creator.
May you always count your blessings and may your troubles be too few to count.
May your heart always be filled with songs of joy."
Kris Malmquist
Miss you like crazy, Dad.
Love always,
Your Petcha Wetch
I can't quite wrap my mind around why today I am so thoughtful of him.
The date has no significance.
Nothing special really happened.
I just feel a strong urge to share the words my dad wrote.
Take them in and let them speak to you wherever you are in life.
"May your eyes look upon a world filled with joy and love this season and all seasons.
May your troubles be few and far between.
May you always feel the love around you and know there is a mighty Creator watching out for you. And may your sunny side always be up.
May you overcome all of what will surely seem like obstacles, and recognize that they are really lessons placed there by a Higher Being we all need to learn.
May you learn something new each day which brings greater peace and joy to all your tomorrows.
May the wind be at your back all along your journey and may you always land on your feet if you should stumble.
May you always appreciate the beauty of Nature and may your flowers always bloom.
May you each day more and more enjoy the fruits of your generous kindnesses to others and may know that each one of your good deeds will come back to bless you many times over.
May the rest of the world see you as I do, a colorful and wonderful flower of humanity who makes the world a better place to be.
So remember always when life throws you a curveball all you need to do is Keep the Sunny Side Up and don't let anything get you down.
Remember that tomorrow's another day and each new day brings with it more and more miracles.
Don't sweat the small stuff and keep your eyes on the Big Picture.
And no matter what you do, just make sure that you always keep the sunny side up.
You need not be careful or careless.You need merely cast your cares upon our Loving Creator because he cares for you because He loves you.
May you never underestimate the power of being under God's care. It is the power that moves mountains.
And when the appointed time comes for your body to leave this earth, may your spirit return once again to God our Creator.
May you always count your blessings and may your troubles be too few to count.
May your heart always be filled with songs of joy."
Kris Malmquist
Love always,
Your Petcha Wetch
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Rejoice in the Lord Always
In the last 12 months I have travelled the world and experienced loss in many different ways. On September 6th, 2012, we lost our first child at the Haven. It hit us hard. We had been playing with little Adam just a day before. He was laughing and running around with a yogurt-covered face yelling, "Halloooo!" at everyone who walked through the doors. It was such a shock. Less than two weeks later we got news that another baby had passed away. This time it was more of a relief that came over me. I sat there the night before holding little Jensen in my arms. Every breath was a struggle for her. There was nothing we could do, but wait. Sit there and wait for her little body to just stop working. About three weeks later, I got a phone call from my mother informing me of my father's suicide.
And now 10 months later, I sit here grieving the loss of my Grandaddy.
My Grandaddy was Superman. He could do anything! I mean, he mowed our lawn the day before he had back surgery.
I've known him all my life. He was in the room the day I was born. And he's been a constant in my life ever since. He's the reason I am who I am. He taught me how to be a hard worker. He taught me how to sing. He taught me everything there is to know about horses. He was a man of his word and integrity. He was the epitome of having cheerfulness in adversity.
Over the last three weeks I got to witness how awesome he is every single day. After his back surgery I sat with him in his room. We talked about God and His Truth. What a wise man. Over the next couple weeks I was able to sit and talk with him about many more things. We would smile about times years ago when we spent summers together. We would sing songs that were his favorite in his 20's. Goodness, that man could light up a room with his smile.
He never once thought about himself first. Even when the nurses asked him a question to help make him more comfortable, he would simply smile and say, "Whatever's best for you, hun." He would never want to inconvenience anyone. He was always putting others first.
The last night of his life, I picked Mamar, my grandmother, up at about 12:30 am and rushed to the hospital. He had been put back in CCU after being transferred home, to the ER, CCU, and a step-down room all within a few days. He was on a biPAP to help him breathe and heavily sedated. He was grunting and squinting his eyes. At that moment I knew he wouldn't be here much longer. He had been fighting for 3 weeks and his body was just worn out. I began praying, "God, let him know we'll be okay. I know the only reason he's still fighting is because he wants us to be taken care of. God, let him be selfish for just this one time. Let him know it's alright. He can stop fighting. Just let him be with You, God."
We sat in the waiting room until about 4am. I took Mom and Mamar home and we rested. Around 7am my mother came in my room to wake me up. We hurried over to the hospital and were informed that he passed around 7:15.
My heart ached. My heart broke for Mamar, his wife of 58 years. My heart broke for his children. My knees went weak as I sobbed into my mothers arms, but my heart also rejoiced for God's answering my prayer.
I'm filled with so many emotions: sadness, joy, celebration, heartache, sorrow, jubilation.
I'm sad because I don't get to spend anymore time with my Grandaddy. I'm sad because he won't get to walk me down the aisle. I'm sad because I miss his sweet sweet smile and contagious laughter.
Although I'm completely overwhelmed with sadness, I couldn't be more joyous. You see, Grandaddy loved the Lord and believed and lived His Word whole-heartedly. There is no doubt in my mind that he is with God. No more achy body. No more pain. I can't help but to rejoice in that.
While I miss him like crazy and would give an arm and a leg to be able to spend more time with him, I know for a fact that he would never want to return to this earth. He paid his dues. His time is done. He lived his life for Jesus and he is being rewarded for that.
If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be the Christ-lover that I am today. I can't wait for the day when he and I are reunited, but for the time being, I'm living a life that will make him proud. I'm living my life for the Lord.
"... The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." -- Job 1:21
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say Rejoice." -- Phil. 4:4
And now 10 months later, I sit here grieving the loss of my Grandaddy.
My Grandaddy was Superman. He could do anything! I mean, he mowed our lawn the day before he had back surgery.
I've known him all my life. He was in the room the day I was born. And he's been a constant in my life ever since. He's the reason I am who I am. He taught me how to be a hard worker. He taught me how to sing. He taught me everything there is to know about horses. He was a man of his word and integrity. He was the epitome of having cheerfulness in adversity.
Over the last three weeks I got to witness how awesome he is every single day. After his back surgery I sat with him in his room. We talked about God and His Truth. What a wise man. Over the next couple weeks I was able to sit and talk with him about many more things. We would smile about times years ago when we spent summers together. We would sing songs that were his favorite in his 20's. Goodness, that man could light up a room with his smile.
He never once thought about himself first. Even when the nurses asked him a question to help make him more comfortable, he would simply smile and say, "Whatever's best for you, hun." He would never want to inconvenience anyone. He was always putting others first.
The last night of his life, I picked Mamar, my grandmother, up at about 12:30 am and rushed to the hospital. He had been put back in CCU after being transferred home, to the ER, CCU, and a step-down room all within a few days. He was on a biPAP to help him breathe and heavily sedated. He was grunting and squinting his eyes. At that moment I knew he wouldn't be here much longer. He had been fighting for 3 weeks and his body was just worn out. I began praying, "God, let him know we'll be okay. I know the only reason he's still fighting is because he wants us to be taken care of. God, let him be selfish for just this one time. Let him know it's alright. He can stop fighting. Just let him be with You, God."
We sat in the waiting room until about 4am. I took Mom and Mamar home and we rested. Around 7am my mother came in my room to wake me up. We hurried over to the hospital and were informed that he passed around 7:15.
My heart ached. My heart broke for Mamar, his wife of 58 years. My heart broke for his children. My knees went weak as I sobbed into my mothers arms, but my heart also rejoiced for God's answering my prayer.
I'm filled with so many emotions: sadness, joy, celebration, heartache, sorrow, jubilation.
I'm sad because I don't get to spend anymore time with my Grandaddy. I'm sad because he won't get to walk me down the aisle. I'm sad because I miss his sweet sweet smile and contagious laughter.
Although I'm completely overwhelmed with sadness, I couldn't be more joyous. You see, Grandaddy loved the Lord and believed and lived His Word whole-heartedly. There is no doubt in my mind that he is with God. No more achy body. No more pain. I can't help but to rejoice in that.
While I miss him like crazy and would give an arm and a leg to be able to spend more time with him, I know for a fact that he would never want to return to this earth. He paid his dues. His time is done. He lived his life for Jesus and he is being rewarded for that.
If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be the Christ-lover that I am today. I can't wait for the day when he and I are reunited, but for the time being, I'm living a life that will make him proud. I'm living my life for the Lord.
"... The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." -- Job 1:21
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say Rejoice." -- Phil. 4:4
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Good Enough
It's been nine months. Nine whole months since everything changed. Nine months since my dad took his own life. Nine months of uncertainty, heartbreak, and depression.
I don't really know where to start. It's been a journey. Climbing mountains and getting pushed down hills. I've been beaten and bruised. I've been broken by the Prince of Darkness. I can't stand to be alone, yet that seems to be all I ever do. Locked in my room. Lying on my bed as if it's a deserted island. Praying for someone to come rescue me. Every time my phone vibrates my heart flutters a little. "I get to have contact with someone!" I think to myself. What is this life?
What is this terrible torture I'm living in? The dungeon of my mind.
I can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to find any kind of motivation. I can't even make my bed. This house is a constant reminder of what I've lost. The whole reason I moved here was because of my parents' separation when I was 10. I lost some of my best friends. I lost being able to ride horses. I lost my sun-shiny home of good ole Jupiter, Florida.
I never felt at home here. Ever since I moved here it's been a constant battle of trying to be accepted. Trying to find a place in this small town where everyone knows every little thing there is to know. It's not a very friendly place for a chubby, short-haired, tom-boy, sixth-grader to move. This place I now call "home" is the place where I began to lose my innocence. I was introduced to gossip, slander, and the constant game of trying to be "good enough." Trying to be good enough to be invited to the popular people's parties. Trying to be good enough to get a "boyfriend" so I don't look like a prude.
I never once felt a twinge of joy if I accomplished any of these feats. It was all temporary happiness. When it was gone, it left me more empty then before.
While it has been nine months since my father passed, it's also been nine months since another most memorable moment.
My 20th birthday.
On that day, God showed up.
God happened.
If you read my "God is with Me" post, I gave a little snap shot of what happen, but to re-cap for those of you who didn't get a chance, this is what happened.
On October 10 at 10pm, 50+ harding students met in the McInteer Bible building on Harding's campus. I was able to be skyped in to witness the Spirit's work. They sang, prayed, and encouraged me. It was by far the best birthday I could have had.
From that moment on, I knew I was going to be okay. I knew God had me.
He hasn't left me.
While these have been some of the most difficult nine months of my life, God has not stopped taking care of me.
I mean, I passed all of my classes! That's enough proof alone! :) But that's not at all where it stops.
I was asked to speak at Harding's Fall lectureship series. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a pretty big deal. I'm one of 4 Female Harding students that will be speaking. On top of that, I'll be the only junior. Like WHAT EVEN!?
I found a therapist who I can't even begin to explain what he's done for me. I've also started taking an anti-depressant. Who would have thought?
I have the greatest friends in the world. I couldn't ask for better ones even if I could think up what a better friend would be like!
I got to serve as a counselor for teens at Uplift 2013 (Harding's Bible camp for 7-High School Grads). What a blessing that was. I was able to be blessed by the girls on my hall as well as so many other campers, but the most incredible thing had to be working with the other counselors! God used me up in those 3 weeks I was there. Constantly pouring myself out and having Him fill me back up again so I could do it all agin the next day. I was able to share my story and had girls come to me with similar situations. Just goes to show that we're not alone in our struggles.
God is working in my life.
I spent most of my life trying to be "good enough" for others. It was so tiring and never fulfilling. Just when I accepted the fact that I will never be good enough, God showed me, in my weaknesses, that HE is Good enough; therefore, I don't have to be.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG!" - II Corinthians 12: 9-10
I don't really know where to start. It's been a journey. Climbing mountains and getting pushed down hills. I've been beaten and bruised. I've been broken by the Prince of Darkness. I can't stand to be alone, yet that seems to be all I ever do. Locked in my room. Lying on my bed as if it's a deserted island. Praying for someone to come rescue me. Every time my phone vibrates my heart flutters a little. "I get to have contact with someone!" I think to myself. What is this life?
What is this terrible torture I'm living in? The dungeon of my mind.
I can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to find any kind of motivation. I can't even make my bed. This house is a constant reminder of what I've lost. The whole reason I moved here was because of my parents' separation when I was 10. I lost some of my best friends. I lost being able to ride horses. I lost my sun-shiny home of good ole Jupiter, Florida.
I never felt at home here. Ever since I moved here it's been a constant battle of trying to be accepted. Trying to find a place in this small town where everyone knows every little thing there is to know. It's not a very friendly place for a chubby, short-haired, tom-boy, sixth-grader to move. This place I now call "home" is the place where I began to lose my innocence. I was introduced to gossip, slander, and the constant game of trying to be "good enough." Trying to be good enough to be invited to the popular people's parties. Trying to be good enough to get a "boyfriend" so I don't look like a prude.
I never once felt a twinge of joy if I accomplished any of these feats. It was all temporary happiness. When it was gone, it left me more empty then before.
While it has been nine months since my father passed, it's also been nine months since another most memorable moment.
My 20th birthday.
On that day, God showed up.
God happened.
If you read my "God is with Me" post, I gave a little snap shot of what happen, but to re-cap for those of you who didn't get a chance, this is what happened.
On October 10 at 10pm, 50+ harding students met in the McInteer Bible building on Harding's campus. I was able to be skyped in to witness the Spirit's work. They sang, prayed, and encouraged me. It was by far the best birthday I could have had.
From that moment on, I knew I was going to be okay. I knew God had me.
He hasn't left me.
While these have been some of the most difficult nine months of my life, God has not stopped taking care of me.
I mean, I passed all of my classes! That's enough proof alone! :) But that's not at all where it stops.
I was asked to speak at Harding's Fall lectureship series. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a pretty big deal. I'm one of 4 Female Harding students that will be speaking. On top of that, I'll be the only junior. Like WHAT EVEN!?
I found a therapist who I can't even begin to explain what he's done for me. I've also started taking an anti-depressant. Who would have thought?
I have the greatest friends in the world. I couldn't ask for better ones even if I could think up what a better friend would be like!
I got to serve as a counselor for teens at Uplift 2013 (Harding's Bible camp for 7-High School Grads). What a blessing that was. I was able to be blessed by the girls on my hall as well as so many other campers, but the most incredible thing had to be working with the other counselors! God used me up in those 3 weeks I was there. Constantly pouring myself out and having Him fill me back up again so I could do it all agin the next day. I was able to share my story and had girls come to me with similar situations. Just goes to show that we're not alone in our struggles.
God is working in my life.
I spent most of my life trying to be "good enough" for others. It was so tiring and never fulfilling. Just when I accepted the fact that I will never be good enough, God showed me, in my weaknesses, that HE is Good enough; therefore, I don't have to be.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG!" - II Corinthians 12: 9-10
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Upside Down
For over a year now my life has changed more than I could ever imagine. I completed my first year of college while preparing for a semester in Zambia, worked my first job, moved for Zambia for 2.5 months, lost my father, and now I'm preparing to move back to the States after spending time with missionaries in Tanzania and a 3 day safari. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined getting this opportunity, much less actually taking it. I have learned so many things. I have been changed in so many ways. Most importantly, I have seen God in so many new ways and I have grown so much closer to Him.
After returning to Namwianga after a long 9 days at home with my family, I was consumed in trying to catch up on school work and doing everything I could before it was time to leave. My days were mainly filled with classes and going to The Haven to spend time with the precious babies I had grown to love before my unexpected trip home. The night I got back, I was informed about a new baby that had arrived at the Haven the day everyone found out I was coming back. Nothing out of the ordinary. What took me by complete surprise is that her name is Petra! What?! A Zambian baby that I get to share a name with?! Crazy thing is, she came named that. It wasn't like she was named after me, she her parents just happened to name her that. Funny the way things work.(Meagan Hawley's blog about the day baby Petra arrived)
My last 3 weeks at Namwianga were wonderful. I'm so blessed to have had the opportunity to go back and to strengthen the relationships that I had barely started. I still can't quite believe that I'm back in Africa. Even more so, I can't believe I'm leaving in just 8 days.
The last 2 weeks have been filled with travels and adventures. Our time with the missionaries in Tanzania was such a blessing. I learned so much that can't exactly be learned in a classroom setting. I've also learned that it's frustrating when you don't even know a little bit of the language to do simple things like greet people or just say, "thank you". After spending a few days with them, we were packing our bags once again to prepare for our 3 day safari.
This was an incredible time! I got to see so much of God's beautiful creation and even got to be in the same car as an African Monkey thief! He stole Sarah's apple after she welcomed him by feeding him bread. Ha! Needless to say, we freaked out just a little when that little rascal dropped into our safari car from the roof. As part of our safari we got to camp out on the rim of the Ngorongoro crater. I have never seen a more beautiful sunrise! God truly is an awesome God. His creation is breathtaking.
As for now, I'm sitting in a guesthouse in Jinja, Uganda. While it is nice to have free time, it's also torture. I have so many thoughts running through my mind. So many questions.
"Where did the time go? Am I really going to be back in the States a week from tomorrow? Will people understand me when I get home? Will they really care about all of the stories I want to tell? Have I really changed that much? Did I really just go through all of this? When will I wake up from this dream?" and so many more...
My life has been turned upside down. There are so many emotions running through me that I never know I could feel. There are so many uncertainties.
Through all of these uncertainties, I know one thing is certain. God is faithful. He is good. I know that he will get me through these questions. While I might not understand them, I know He understands everything. I don't have to fear the unknown, the hardships, and whatever else.
I was reminded of this in one of my favorite songs that we sang tonight at our family meeting.
Isaiah 43
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and the waves will not consume you. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine. For I am the Lord, your God. I am the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I am the Lord (Do not fear)."
After returning to Namwianga after a long 9 days at home with my family, I was consumed in trying to catch up on school work and doing everything I could before it was time to leave. My days were mainly filled with classes and going to The Haven to spend time with the precious babies I had grown to love before my unexpected trip home. The night I got back, I was informed about a new baby that had arrived at the Haven the day everyone found out I was coming back. Nothing out of the ordinary. What took me by complete surprise is that her name is Petra! What?! A Zambian baby that I get to share a name with?! Crazy thing is, she came named that. It wasn't like she was named after me, she her parents just happened to name her that. Funny the way things work.(Meagan Hawley's blog about the day baby Petra arrived)
My last 3 weeks at Namwianga were wonderful. I'm so blessed to have had the opportunity to go back and to strengthen the relationships that I had barely started. I still can't quite believe that I'm back in Africa. Even more so, I can't believe I'm leaving in just 8 days.
The last 2 weeks have been filled with travels and adventures. Our time with the missionaries in Tanzania was such a blessing. I learned so much that can't exactly be learned in a classroom setting. I've also learned that it's frustrating when you don't even know a little bit of the language to do simple things like greet people or just say, "thank you". After spending a few days with them, we were packing our bags once again to prepare for our 3 day safari.
This was an incredible time! I got to see so much of God's beautiful creation and even got to be in the same car as an African Monkey thief! He stole Sarah's apple after she welcomed him by feeding him bread. Ha! Needless to say, we freaked out just a little when that little rascal dropped into our safari car from the roof. As part of our safari we got to camp out on the rim of the Ngorongoro crater. I have never seen a more beautiful sunrise! God truly is an awesome God. His creation is breathtaking.
As for now, I'm sitting in a guesthouse in Jinja, Uganda. While it is nice to have free time, it's also torture. I have so many thoughts running through my mind. So many questions.
"Where did the time go? Am I really going to be back in the States a week from tomorrow? Will people understand me when I get home? Will they really care about all of the stories I want to tell? Have I really changed that much? Did I really just go through all of this? When will I wake up from this dream?" and so many more...
My life has been turned upside down. There are so many emotions running through me that I never know I could feel. There are so many uncertainties.
Through all of these uncertainties, I know one thing is certain. God is faithful. He is good. I know that he will get me through these questions. While I might not understand them, I know He understands everything. I don't have to fear the unknown, the hardships, and whatever else.
I was reminded of this in one of my favorite songs that we sang tonight at our family meeting.
Isaiah 43
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and the waves will not consume you. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine. For I am the Lord, your God. I am the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I am the Lord (Do not fear)."
Sunday, October 14, 2012
God is with Me
It's October 8th, 5:45am and I wake up to someone pounding on our front door. "GO AWAY!" I yell in my head, "I still have like 30 minutes to sleep before I have to get up for class." Little did I know that this was about to change my life forever.
Ba Katie and Ba Janice eventually find their way in and make it to my bedside. "Petra, it's Katie. We need you to come to the Hamby, your mom is on the phone."
I knew something was wrong when I asked, "Is something wrong?" and no one answered as I pulled on my long purple skirt that I had thrown by my bed the night before.
Ba Jeremy met me at the door of the Hamby, led me to his office, and sat me down in his chair. He looked at me with heartbreak in his eyes. "Petra," he began,"your mom is going to call here in about a minute. I need you to prepare yourself for some disturbing news." I couldn't hold the tears back any longer. About 15 seconds later, the phone rang. "Petra, I need to tell you something that's very hard for me to say. You have people with you, right?"
"Yes, Mom."
"I love you very much, sweetie."
My heart felt like it was about to explode from how hard it was pounding.
"Your dad is no longer living."
My heart dropped. "What do you mean?! How did it happen?! What happened?!"
"He killed himself......"
My mind went blank. I couldn't say anything. The room felt like it was spinning and I felt like I could throw up at any second.
"I love you so much, sweetie. We've got to get you home. You'll be with me at 10:30 in the morning. They'll get you home, okay? I love you. See you soon."
The next few hours felt like days. I packed up all of my stuff, said my goodbyes and I was on the cruiser to the airport. From the moment I found out to the moment I was on the plane, prayers and songs did not cease from my group.
God was with me.
As I sat in my terminal in Livingstone waiting for my flight I opened one of the cards a team member had written and stuffed in my backpack for me to find. I began finding more and more cards. I couldn't hold back the tears.
God was with me.
I boarded my plane, found my seat, sat down and tried to go to sleep. It wasn't any use. As we took off, I stared out the window and said goodbye to the wonderful country I had grown to love in the short month and a half I had been there. The tears rolled. Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to read. Reading always makes me sleepy. I got my Bible out and began to read through scriptures my team members wrote in the cards they wrote me. Somehow they knew exactly what to write to give me comfort in this desperate time.
God was with me.
It seemed as though the 2 hour flight was not long enough to get all of the comfort I needed. I almost begged for more time on that plane, but I was so ready to get off. As I walked to my terminal, I felt like a zombie. I felt like I was the only one in the Johannesburg International Airport. I found myself mad at all of the shops I passed. Claiming to have authentic African merchandise. I couldn't help but just shake my head at every store I passed saying, "If only they knew." I finally found my terminal after about 10 minutes of walking. I sat down next to a place to charge my laptop, but quickly remembered I left my adapter in Zambia. As I went to get my laptop, I noticed the phone Jeremy had given me was ringing. It was my mom. It was so good to hear her voice, just the sound of it made my eyes well up. I told her I made it to my gate and the flight was fine. She then asked if I wanted to talk to Pierce, my older brother I hadn't talked to in about a month.
"Petra, I love you so much. We're going to get through this. I love you so much, Petra. I'll see you soon." That's pretty much all he could get out before the call dropped. I later found out that that phone wasn't even supposed to work because it had a Zambian sim card.
God was with me.
The 16 hour flight to Atlanta was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I got some sleep, not much, but at least it was some. Soon enough I was landing in Atlanta. I cleared customs without any trouble. The people were all so nice and the last thing they said before letting me go was, "Welcome back!" I found my next gate and plugged my laptop in to charge. As I was reading some of my messages on facebook I noticed a man sit down right in front of me.
"Why is this man sitting in front of me when clearly he can see that I'm upset AND there are SO many empty seats around?" I thought to myself. After a few seconds, I notice him lean forward. He tapped me on the knee. "What does this guy want?" I asked myself as I began to raise my head. When my eyes landed on his face, I was so confused but I immediately jumped up, threw my arms around him, and began to cry even harder. "What are you doing here?" I asked.
"I came to see you, silly!" said my cousin Eddie!
I could not believe it! We sat down, he called my mom and I got to talk to her for a few short minutes before I gave my attention back to Eddie and Ann. We talked about Zambia until it was time for me to board. They weren't even supposed to get through security.
God was with me.
My flight to Huntsville was the longest shortest flight I've ever been on. When we landed, I couldn't get off of that plane quicker. Walking through that tunnel seem like forever, but before I was out, I could see my mom and brother standing there waiting for me. They didn't even recognize me until I was right up on them. We embraced and I knew I was home. They, too, were not supposed to get through security.
God was with me.
I was dreading the next day, October 10th, my 20th birthday. As soon as I woke up, I checked facebook. One post after another saying, "Happy birthday!" Really, guys? You really think I can be happy when I just lost my father 3 days ago? HA! Good one. The day seemed to drag on forever, but things started going uphill when I went out to eat with my family. We laughed and had a good ole time all while eating my favorite, Mexican!
Later that night was when things completely turned around for me. Some people at Harding were meeting at 10 to have a prayer service for me and my family. I had the amazing blessing of being skyped in. Never in my life have I been so uplifted and felt God's presence than during that time. Somehow they knew exactly what songs were my favorites, even though I hadn't told anyone. They knew exactly what to pray to give me comfort and peace. People that don't even know me were there lifting my family and me up in prayer the the Healer and Comforter.
God was with me.
From this moment on I have continually felt God's presence. Yes, times are hard. Yes, I get overwhelmed with emotions and questions that will never be answered, but I know one thing that will remain. God's everlasting love for His children. I am so incredibly blessed to be a student at Harding University, but even more than that, I am SO blessed to be a child of God. He has understanding that surpasses all other and I will cling to that until the day I get to be with Him for eternity. I still have
much healing to do, but I know that...
God IS with me. Now and forever.
Ba Katie and Ba Janice eventually find their way in and make it to my bedside. "Petra, it's Katie. We need you to come to the Hamby, your mom is on the phone."
I knew something was wrong when I asked, "Is something wrong?" and no one answered as I pulled on my long purple skirt that I had thrown by my bed the night before.
Ba Jeremy met me at the door of the Hamby, led me to his office, and sat me down in his chair. He looked at me with heartbreak in his eyes. "Petra," he began,"your mom is going to call here in about a minute. I need you to prepare yourself for some disturbing news." I couldn't hold the tears back any longer. About 15 seconds later, the phone rang. "Petra, I need to tell you something that's very hard for me to say. You have people with you, right?"
"Yes, Mom."
"I love you very much, sweetie."
My heart felt like it was about to explode from how hard it was pounding.
"Your dad is no longer living."
My heart dropped. "What do you mean?! How did it happen?! What happened?!"
"He killed himself......"
My mind went blank. I couldn't say anything. The room felt like it was spinning and I felt like I could throw up at any second.
"I love you so much, sweetie. We've got to get you home. You'll be with me at 10:30 in the morning. They'll get you home, okay? I love you. See you soon."
The next few hours felt like days. I packed up all of my stuff, said my goodbyes and I was on the cruiser to the airport. From the moment I found out to the moment I was on the plane, prayers and songs did not cease from my group.
God was with me.
As I sat in my terminal in Livingstone waiting for my flight I opened one of the cards a team member had written and stuffed in my backpack for me to find. I began finding more and more cards. I couldn't hold back the tears.
God was with me.
I boarded my plane, found my seat, sat down and tried to go to sleep. It wasn't any use. As we took off, I stared out the window and said goodbye to the wonderful country I had grown to love in the short month and a half I had been there. The tears rolled. Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to read. Reading always makes me sleepy. I got my Bible out and began to read through scriptures my team members wrote in the cards they wrote me. Somehow they knew exactly what to write to give me comfort in this desperate time.
God was with me.
It seemed as though the 2 hour flight was not long enough to get all of the comfort I needed. I almost begged for more time on that plane, but I was so ready to get off. As I walked to my terminal, I felt like a zombie. I felt like I was the only one in the Johannesburg International Airport. I found myself mad at all of the shops I passed. Claiming to have authentic African merchandise. I couldn't help but just shake my head at every store I passed saying, "If only they knew." I finally found my terminal after about 10 minutes of walking. I sat down next to a place to charge my laptop, but quickly remembered I left my adapter in Zambia. As I went to get my laptop, I noticed the phone Jeremy had given me was ringing. It was my mom. It was so good to hear her voice, just the sound of it made my eyes well up. I told her I made it to my gate and the flight was fine. She then asked if I wanted to talk to Pierce, my older brother I hadn't talked to in about a month.
"Petra, I love you so much. We're going to get through this. I love you so much, Petra. I'll see you soon." That's pretty much all he could get out before the call dropped. I later found out that that phone wasn't even supposed to work because it had a Zambian sim card.
God was with me.
The 16 hour flight to Atlanta was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I got some sleep, not much, but at least it was some. Soon enough I was landing in Atlanta. I cleared customs without any trouble. The people were all so nice and the last thing they said before letting me go was, "Welcome back!" I found my next gate and plugged my laptop in to charge. As I was reading some of my messages on facebook I noticed a man sit down right in front of me.
"Why is this man sitting in front of me when clearly he can see that I'm upset AND there are SO many empty seats around?" I thought to myself. After a few seconds, I notice him lean forward. He tapped me on the knee. "What does this guy want?" I asked myself as I began to raise my head. When my eyes landed on his face, I was so confused but I immediately jumped up, threw my arms around him, and began to cry even harder. "What are you doing here?" I asked.
"I came to see you, silly!" said my cousin Eddie!
I could not believe it! We sat down, he called my mom and I got to talk to her for a few short minutes before I gave my attention back to Eddie and Ann. We talked about Zambia until it was time for me to board. They weren't even supposed to get through security.
God was with me.
My flight to Huntsville was the longest shortest flight I've ever been on. When we landed, I couldn't get off of that plane quicker. Walking through that tunnel seem like forever, but before I was out, I could see my mom and brother standing there waiting for me. They didn't even recognize me until I was right up on them. We embraced and I knew I was home. They, too, were not supposed to get through security.
God was with me.
I was dreading the next day, October 10th, my 20th birthday. As soon as I woke up, I checked facebook. One post after another saying, "Happy birthday!" Really, guys? You really think I can be happy when I just lost my father 3 days ago? HA! Good one. The day seemed to drag on forever, but things started going uphill when I went out to eat with my family. We laughed and had a good ole time all while eating my favorite, Mexican!
Later that night was when things completely turned around for me. Some people at Harding were meeting at 10 to have a prayer service for me and my family. I had the amazing blessing of being skyped in. Never in my life have I been so uplifted and felt God's presence than during that time. Somehow they knew exactly what songs were my favorites, even though I hadn't told anyone. They knew exactly what to pray to give me comfort and peace. People that don't even know me were there lifting my family and me up in prayer the the Healer and Comforter.
God was with me.
From this moment on I have continually felt God's presence. Yes, times are hard. Yes, I get overwhelmed with emotions and questions that will never be answered, but I know one thing that will remain. God's everlasting love for His children. I am so incredibly blessed to be a student at Harding University, but even more than that, I am SO blessed to be a child of God. He has understanding that surpasses all other and I will cling to that until the day I get to be with Him for eternity. I still have
much healing to do, but I know that...
God IS with me. Now and forever.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Touristy Travels
Since the last time I blogged so much has happened. I’ve done the “Cinnamon Challenge,” visited Macha Hospital, and even jumped off the side of a cliff!
Believe it or not, things can get a bit boring when there’s not classes to go to, children to be with, or patients to tend to. Some of our group had the great idea to make a “Hardcore Parkour” video. It started last weekend when we made our first walking trip to town. The road to town is 7 kilometers and there’s only so much one can talk about on an hour and a half walk. Anyway, someone had the bright idea to do the “Cinnamon Challenge.” If you don’t know what that is, it’s when you get a spoon, fill it with cinnamon and try to eat it without throwing up. It is a challenge indeed. I thought I could do it, but once it started coming out of my nose as I was breathing, I lost it. I’m proud to say I didn’t throw up, but I certainly didn’t complete the challenge! Oh well, better luck next time, right? Everything smelt like cinnamon for the next few hours and I thought I would never be able to eat anything with cinnamon on it again, but I ate cinnamon toast the next week.
Thursday we had the awesome opportunity to visit Macha Hospital. It was so interesting to see. We were greeted by one of the founders. He gave us a tour of the different wards which consist of Men’s, Women’s, Children’s, Chronic Care, Prenatal, and Postnatal. He told us that there is no intensive care. He said, “If you’re not breathing, you don’t get care from Macha.” I thought this was pretty interesting, but you do what you can. He showed us the “waiting room” which was called the “Fires” because this is where the families would sleep and make their food while visiting their relative that’s in the hospital. He also took us to the lab where they do testing. The most interesting thing I about Macha was that they have a whole building dedicated to Malaria research. They even breed and grow mosquitos. That freaked me out just a little considering I’m always the first to get bit. My parents told me when I was little it’s because I was so sweet. Don’t really know how true that is today! Ha!!
Friday we left at 5:30am for our weekend in Livingstone. This is where we became tourists for a weekend. I must admit, I didn’t like it too much. That morning I rode elephants. That certainly was an adventure. Our elephant freaked out a little bit and strayed from the rest when we were crossing the deep waters. No worries, though, our guide had everything under control and got us back on land safe and sound. The next thing we know, our “Protector Man” was running toward a wild elephant with his gun. Our guide simply told us to “hold on tight!” We really thought there was about to be and Elly Fight! The cutest things were the baby ellies that went on the walk with us. One of them tried stealing our elephant’s food and ended up sniffing our feet in the process.
That afternoon a group of us headed to Victoria Falls to go on the Devil’s Pool walk. We walked on top of the falls to get to our destination. In our group we had a German, an Englander, a Canadian, a mother and son from Delaware, and a man from Nashville. Quite the variety, I’d say. While crossing the Falls, we had to make a chain when wading through rapids so we wouldn’t have a straight shot to the Zambezi! We had to swim about 15 meters to climb on the rocks above the Devil’s Pool. We all jumped in and then we got to hang off the edge of the falls!!! I have to admit, I was a bit scared! Heights are not my thing. It was absolutely gorgeous, though! We got to watch the sunset on our walk back. When we got back to the entrance, we decided to visit that shops. Of course, we were bombarded by the shopkeepers. I have never felt more manipulated in my life. One man tried to offer me a bracelet that would normally cost $1 at the most in the States for 100,000 Kwacha which the equivalent of $20. You know my reply was “CHADULA!” (“too much” in Tonga). Once I was finished shopping in with one guy, he hands my purchases to his friend. His friend takes my stuff, offers me a stool, and begins to wrap it up and while he’s doing that, he’s also showing me what he has to offer me. “Tandiyandi! Tandiyandi!” which means, “I don’t want! I don’t want!” came out of my mouth probably 100 times! They would just put stuff in your lap. Needless to say, I was annoyed. That night, we had a talent show with our group. It was great to see everyone’s hidden talents! I mean, who knew Phil could blow balloons up with his nose while Seth is reading haikus?
The next morning we woke up to head out to our Adventure Day! When we first got there, we were briefed about all the things we would be doing that day. There was repelling, zip lining, and the infamous gorge swing! I began my day with zip lining out over the gorge, Superman style! That was incredible! Such an adrenaline rush! Of course you have confidence in your harness and the cable holding you, but it just takes your breath away when your feet leave the ground and you’re flying 50 plus meters above the ground! Next, since I decided against the repelling, I headed to the gorge swing. I was pretty nervous about that. Again, I have complete confidence in the equipment, but there’s alway that slight doubt about “What if I’m the one person it breaks on?!” Well, I chose to ignore that and to get harnessed up with Kailey. Once we practiced how we would be falling, we headed to get all strapped in. We scooted to the edge with our heels hanging off and waited until our safety guy counted down to one. “Three, two, one, BINGO!” We raised our toes, and there we went. Free falling 53 meters, 3.5 seconds, praying to God our cord did snap when we caught. I was silent the whole way down, but once it caught, a scream of pure happiness and excitement came out of my mouth! There we were, swinging from a cord in this huge gorge! The worst part was when we stopped swinging and we had to be lowered to the ground. Those harnesses are NOT comfortable, at ALL! The next worse was having to hike back up to the top. Fifteen minutes of climbing steep rocks. Not my idea of fun.
Sunday we went to church. They were a little upset that we didn’t tell them we were coming. They wanted our men to do the service. It’s tradition to let the visitors share their knowledge to the hosts. The service was wonderful, even though our group was trying not to pass out from the heat. At one point, I looked across the crowd and we were all fanning ourselves while that Zambians were just sitting there paying perfect attention to the speaker. We Mukuas (white people) just aren’t used to this Zambian heat yet. Once service let out, we all greeted one another and they continued to the baptism! We loded up our land cruiser and bus to get some lunch before it was time to head back to Namwianga. We obviously chose the wrong place to eat. It took us an hour and a half to get our food. Just a word of advice, when in Livingstone, Zamia, never eat at the Rite Bar and Pub.
I was so happy to be back on the Mission. We were no longer tourists or strangers. This is our home now. People don’t seem too surprised when we greet them in Tonga as they did when we arrived a month ago. Things that we found odd are now just normal everyday things.
We got some unexpected news when we got back. One of our team members would be returning to the U.S. She actually left Wednesday. I still can’t really believe she’s gone. We were just starting to get close and open up about our lives to one another. I guess it just goes to show that time here really is short. We must be intentional with all of our relationships. While returning home is, indeed, what she needed, it was still very hard to see her go.
Lord, I pray that You watch over each and every one of us, whether we be in Zambia, the United States, South America, or wherever. I pray You give us healing where we are suffering. I pray You give us comfort where we are hurting. I pray that we are intentional, not only in relationships, but in everything we do. I pray we keep You first, that we give YOU the glory for everything that is good. We know You are good. We know You are faithful. Your Presence is incredible. Thank You so much for everything. Thank You for the suffering, for it’s through suffering that we draw closer to You. Thank You for weakness, for it’s in our weakness that You are strong. Thank You for Your love, for without it, we would be nothing. Thank You for Your Son! Thank You for Your Spirit that fills us. Thank YOU, LORD! Let it be so. Amen.
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