Die in Your Arms

Words can’t express my emotions. It’s one thing to be told that a baby you met two weeks ago has passed, but it’s a whole different situation to be with a baby for one month from the time she was one week old, and to watch her lie helplessly in the arms of someone who has fought for her and who has loved her from the moment she was brought to the Haven. 

Last week I, along with Holly and Kaitie, got to go with Meagan to take baby Jensen to see the head of the Kalomo district Health Care. We three girls sat attentively while we watch Meagan do her thing. While on our way to the appointment, she told us that normally doctors will simply say a baby is “just fine” even when they can clearly see that this is not the case. Fortunately, this was the son-in-law of Momma, the head of the Havens, and quickly stated that something was wrong and action needed to be taken. He referred her to be admitted to Zimba Hospital that day. Before we knew it, Jensen was on her way.

We hadn’t heard anything for a few days so I inquired about her Last night. Katie Daggett informed me that she hadn’t gotten much better and that we would know more tomorrow. Well, tomorrow’s here. After our family meeting, we got news that Meagan had brought Jensen home with her. She hadn’t gotten any better and she had been brought home to die. Normally I would think this to be so cruel. “Why isn’t she in the hospital where she can get help? Why isn’t she hooked up to tubes to get nutrients and medicines she needs?” These questions would have gone through my head had I not been exposed everything that I have in the past month. Normally, I would be running from this situation, not wanting to go near this child in fear of the pain and sorrow that this would cause my heart. But when Katie asked me if I wanted to go see baby Jensen after the meeting was over, I couldn’t say no. As soon as hugs were given, Holly, Kaitie, Katie, and I made the short walk to Meagan’s house.

When we walked through the door, my eyes went straight to Meagan. She was holding that baby girl so closely and you could see the love in her eyes for that child. We all walked over to look at Jensen. She looked so different from a week ago sitting in the doctor’s office. She didn’t have as much life in her. She was pale and her breathing was more labored than before. One thing remain the same though, that crazy, wild, jet black hair. The most beautiful hair I have ever seen a baby have. We all sat in silence just admiring this sweet little baby. She had fought for so long and didn’t seem to be giving up. Ba Lou told us that she was really close to letting go before we got there, but somehow, she pulled through and got to the “stable” state she was in. Ba Janice showed up shortly after that. She checked her heart rate and breathing. She said her heart was strong and her lungs were clear for her condition. Pretty soon we began to chit chat a bit to somewhat ease our minds of the situation at hand, but it wasn’t long until little Jensen’s breathing became more labored and shorter. I couldn’t help but to bow my head and pray to my Lord and Creator.

“God, just stop this baby from suffering. She has fought for so long. She’s hurt for so long. God just take her! Take her into your arms. Take her where she’ll never hurt again, where she’ll never have to have another needle stuck in her, another IV in her tiny baby hand, another test run on her. Lord, just take her to spend eternity with you!”

There were so many times when I thought, “This is it, she’s gone to be with You, Lord,” but she continued to fight. She hasn’t given up yet. Before we left, her breathing and heart rate had slowed and her temperature had dropped. It’s so hard to sleep knowing that tonight could be her last. 

It’s ironic how life works sometimes. Earlier today I was in Haven 3 celebrating Marisa’s first birthday. Little did I know that I would be watching and waiting for 5 week old baby Jensen to take her last breath. 

What would have been, “Why isn’t she in the hospital where she can get help? Why isn’t she hooked up to tubes to get nutrients and medicines she needs?” a month ago has now turned into, “Thank you, God, for giving Jensen Meagan and all the aunties at the Havens. Thank you, God, for letting this baby die peacefully, with no tubes in her, in the arms of someone who loves her. Thank you, God, for giving this baby a woman who fought for her and gave her every chance she could. Thank you, God, for being faithful and for loving us even when we turn against you. You are good all the time. In birth and in death, in happy times and in sad, in everything, You are good. Your love never fails.”