Unexpected

For some particular reason, today my heart is filled with sadness. I looked back on all the comments my dad left on my blog. He was so proud of me.

I can't quite wrap my mind around why today I am so thoughtful of him.

The date has no significance.

Nothing special really happened.

I just feel a strong urge to share the words my dad wrote.

Take them in and let them speak to you wherever you are in life.

"May your eyes look upon a world filled with joy and love this season and all seasons.
May your troubles be few and far between.
May you always feel the love around you and know there is a mighty Creator watching out for you. And may your sunny side always be up.
May you overcome all of what will surely seem like obstacles, and recognize that they are really lessons placed there by a Higher Being we all need to learn.
May you learn something new each day which brings greater peace and joy to all your tomorrows.
May the wind be at your back all along your journey and may you always land on your feet if you should stumble.
May you always appreciate the beauty of Nature and may your flowers always bloom.
May you each day more and more enjoy the fruits of your generous kindnesses to others and may know that each one of your good deeds will come back to bless you many times over.
May the rest of the world see you as I do, a colorful and wonderful flower of humanity who makes the world a better place to be.
So remember always when life throws you a curveball all you need to do is Keep the Sunny Side Up and don't let anything get you down.
Remember that tomorrow's another day and each new day brings with it more and more miracles.
Don't sweat the small stuff and keep your eyes on the Big Picture.
And no matter what you do, just make sure that you always keep the sunny side up.
You need not be careful or careless.You need merely cast your cares upon our Loving Creator because he cares for you because He loves you.
May you never underestimate the power of being under God's care. It is the power that moves mountains.
And when the appointed time comes for your body to leave this earth, may your spirit return once again to God our Creator.
May you always count your blessings and may your troubles be too few to count.
May your heart always be filled with songs of joy."



Kris Malmquist

Miss you like crazy, Dad.

Love always,

Your Petcha Wetch

Rejoice in the Lord Always

In the last 12 months I have travelled the world and experienced loss in many different ways. On September 6th, 2012, we lost our first child at the Haven. It hit us hard. We had been playing with little Adam just a day before. He was laughing and running around with a yogurt-covered face yelling, "Halloooo!" at everyone who walked through the doors. It was such a shock. Less than two weeks later we got news that another baby had passed away. This time it was more of a relief that came over me. I sat there the night before holding little Jensen in my arms. Every breath was a struggle for her. There was nothing we could do, but wait. Sit there and wait for her little body to just stop working. About three weeks later, I got a phone call from my mother informing me of my father's suicide.

And now 10 months later, I sit here grieving the loss of my Grandaddy.

My Grandaddy was Superman. He could do anything! I mean, he mowed our lawn the day before he had back surgery.

I've known him all my life. He was in the room the day I was born. And he's been a constant in my life ever since. He's the reason I am who I am. He taught me how to be a hard worker. He taught me how to sing. He taught me everything there is to know about horses. He was a man of his word and integrity. He was the epitome of having cheerfulness in adversity.

Over the last three weeks I got to witness how awesome he is every single day. After his back surgery I sat with him in his room. We talked about God and His Truth. What a wise man. Over the next couple weeks I was able to sit and talk with him about many more things. We would smile about times years ago when we spent summers together. We would sing songs that were his favorite in his 20's. Goodness, that man could light up a room with his smile.

He never once thought about himself first. Even when the nurses asked him a question to help make him more comfortable, he would simply smile and say, "Whatever's best for you, hun." He would never want to inconvenience anyone. He was always putting others first.

The last night of his life, I picked Mamar, my grandmother, up at about 12:30 am and rushed to the hospital. He had been put back in CCU after being transferred home, to the ER, CCU, and a step-down room all within a few days. He was on a biPAP to help him breathe and heavily sedated. He was grunting and squinting his eyes. At that moment I knew he wouldn't be here much longer. He had been fighting for 3 weeks and his body was just worn out. I began praying, "God, let him know we'll be okay. I know the only reason he's still fighting is because he wants us to be taken care of. God, let him be selfish for just this one time. Let him know it's alright. He can stop fighting. Just let him be with You, God."

We sat in the waiting room until about 4am. I took Mom and Mamar home and we rested. Around 7am my mother came in my room to wake me up. We hurried over to the hospital and were informed that he passed around 7:15.

My heart ached. My heart broke for Mamar, his wife of 58 years. My heart broke for his children. My knees went weak as I sobbed into my mothers arms, but my heart also rejoiced for God's answering my prayer.

I'm filled with so many emotions: sadness, joy, celebration, heartache, sorrow, jubilation.

I'm sad because I don't get to spend anymore time with my Grandaddy. I'm sad because he won't get to walk me down the aisle. I'm sad because I miss his sweet sweet smile and contagious laughter.

Although I'm completely overwhelmed with sadness, I couldn't be more joyous. You see, Grandaddy loved the Lord and believed and lived His Word whole-heartedly. There is no doubt in my mind that he is with God. No more achy body. No more pain. I can't help but to rejoice in that.

While I miss him like crazy and would give an arm and a leg to be able to spend more time with him, I know for a fact that he would never want to return to this earth. He paid his dues. His time is done. He lived his life for Jesus and he is being rewarded for that.

If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be the Christ-lover that I am today. I can't wait for the day when he and I are reunited, but for the time being, I'm living a life that will make him proud. I'm living my life for the Lord.

"... The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." -- Job 1:21


"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say Rejoice." -- Phil. 4:4

Good Enough

It's been nine months. Nine whole months since everything changed. Nine months since my dad took his own life. Nine months of uncertainty, heartbreak, and depression.

I don't really know where to start. It's been a journey. Climbing mountains and getting pushed down hills. I've been beaten and bruised. I've been broken by the Prince of Darkness. I can't stand to be alone, yet that seems to be all I ever do. Locked in my room. Lying on my bed as if it's a deserted island. Praying for someone to come rescue me. Every time my phone vibrates my heart flutters a little. "I get to have contact with someone!" I think to myself. What is this life?

What is this terrible torture I'm living in? The dungeon of my mind.

I can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to find any kind of motivation. I can't even make my bed. This house is a constant reminder of what I've lost. The whole reason I moved here was because of my parents' separation when I was 10. I lost some of my best friends. I lost being able to ride horses. I lost my sun-shiny home of good ole Jupiter, Florida.

I never felt at home here. Ever since I moved here it's been a constant battle of trying to be accepted. Trying to find a place in this small town where everyone knows every little thing there is to know. It's not a very friendly place for a chubby, short-haired, tom-boy, sixth-grader to move. This place I now call "home" is the place where I began to lose my innocence. I was introduced to gossip, slander, and the constant game of trying to be "good enough." Trying to be good enough to be invited to the popular people's parties. Trying to be good enough to get a "boyfriend" so I don't look like a prude.

I never once felt a twinge of joy if I accomplished any of these feats. It was all temporary happiness. When it was gone, it left me more empty then before.

While it has been nine months since my father passed, it's also been nine months since another most memorable moment.

My 20th birthday.

On that day, God showed up.

God happened.

If you read my "God is with Me" post, I gave a little snap shot of what happen, but to re-cap for those of you who didn't get a chance, this is what happened.
On October 10 at 10pm, 50+ harding students met in the McInteer Bible building on Harding's campus. I was able to be skyped in to witness the Spirit's work. They sang, prayed, and encouraged me. It was by far the best birthday I could have had.

From that moment on, I knew I was going to be okay. I knew God had me.

He hasn't left me.

While these have been some of the most difficult nine months of my life, God has not stopped taking care of me.

I mean, I passed all of my classes! That's enough proof alone! :) But that's not at all where it stops.

I was asked to speak at Harding's Fall lectureship series. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a pretty big deal. I'm one of 4 Female Harding students that will be speaking. On top of that, I'll be the only junior. Like WHAT EVEN!?

I found a therapist who I can't even begin to explain what he's done for me. I've also started taking an anti-depressant. Who would have thought?

I have the greatest friends in the world. I couldn't ask for better ones even if I could think up what a better friend would be like!

I got to serve as a counselor for teens at Uplift 2013 (Harding's Bible camp for 7-High School Grads). What a blessing that was. I was able to be blessed by the girls on my hall as well as so many other campers, but the most incredible thing had to be working with the other counselors! God used me up in those 3 weeks I was there. Constantly pouring myself out and having Him fill me back up again so I could do it all agin the next day. I was able to share my story and had girls come to me with similar situations. Just goes to show that we're not alone in our struggles.

God is working in my life.

I spent most of my life trying to be "good enough" for others. It was so tiring and never fulfilling. Just when I accepted the fact that I will never be good enough, God showed me, in my weaknesses, that HE is Good enough; therefore, I don't have to be.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG!" - II Corinthians 12: 9-10