Rejoice in the Lord Always

In the last 12 months I have travelled the world and experienced loss in many different ways. On September 6th, 2012, we lost our first child at the Haven. It hit us hard. We had been playing with little Adam just a day before. He was laughing and running around with a yogurt-covered face yelling, "Halloooo!" at everyone who walked through the doors. It was such a shock. Less than two weeks later we got news that another baby had passed away. This time it was more of a relief that came over me. I sat there the night before holding little Jensen in my arms. Every breath was a struggle for her. There was nothing we could do, but wait. Sit there and wait for her little body to just stop working. About three weeks later, I got a phone call from my mother informing me of my father's suicide.

And now 10 months later, I sit here grieving the loss of my Grandaddy.

My Grandaddy was Superman. He could do anything! I mean, he mowed our lawn the day before he had back surgery.

I've known him all my life. He was in the room the day I was born. And he's been a constant in my life ever since. He's the reason I am who I am. He taught me how to be a hard worker. He taught me how to sing. He taught me everything there is to know about horses. He was a man of his word and integrity. He was the epitome of having cheerfulness in adversity.

Over the last three weeks I got to witness how awesome he is every single day. After his back surgery I sat with him in his room. We talked about God and His Truth. What a wise man. Over the next couple weeks I was able to sit and talk with him about many more things. We would smile about times years ago when we spent summers together. We would sing songs that were his favorite in his 20's. Goodness, that man could light up a room with his smile.

He never once thought about himself first. Even when the nurses asked him a question to help make him more comfortable, he would simply smile and say, "Whatever's best for you, hun." He would never want to inconvenience anyone. He was always putting others first.

The last night of his life, I picked Mamar, my grandmother, up at about 12:30 am and rushed to the hospital. He had been put back in CCU after being transferred home, to the ER, CCU, and a step-down room all within a few days. He was on a biPAP to help him breathe and heavily sedated. He was grunting and squinting his eyes. At that moment I knew he wouldn't be here much longer. He had been fighting for 3 weeks and his body was just worn out. I began praying, "God, let him know we'll be okay. I know the only reason he's still fighting is because he wants us to be taken care of. God, let him be selfish for just this one time. Let him know it's alright. He can stop fighting. Just let him be with You, God."

We sat in the waiting room until about 4am. I took Mom and Mamar home and we rested. Around 7am my mother came in my room to wake me up. We hurried over to the hospital and were informed that he passed around 7:15.

My heart ached. My heart broke for Mamar, his wife of 58 years. My heart broke for his children. My knees went weak as I sobbed into my mothers arms, but my heart also rejoiced for God's answering my prayer.

I'm filled with so many emotions: sadness, joy, celebration, heartache, sorrow, jubilation.

I'm sad because I don't get to spend anymore time with my Grandaddy. I'm sad because he won't get to walk me down the aisle. I'm sad because I miss his sweet sweet smile and contagious laughter.

Although I'm completely overwhelmed with sadness, I couldn't be more joyous. You see, Grandaddy loved the Lord and believed and lived His Word whole-heartedly. There is no doubt in my mind that he is with God. No more achy body. No more pain. I can't help but to rejoice in that.

While I miss him like crazy and would give an arm and a leg to be able to spend more time with him, I know for a fact that he would never want to return to this earth. He paid his dues. His time is done. He lived his life for Jesus and he is being rewarded for that.

If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be the Christ-lover that I am today. I can't wait for the day when he and I are reunited, but for the time being, I'm living a life that will make him proud. I'm living my life for the Lord.

"... The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." -- Job 1:21


"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say Rejoice." -- Phil. 4:4