Good Enough

It's been nine months. Nine whole months since everything changed. Nine months since my dad took his own life. Nine months of uncertainty, heartbreak, and depression.

I don't really know where to start. It's been a journey. Climbing mountains and getting pushed down hills. I've been beaten and bruised. I've been broken by the Prince of Darkness. I can't stand to be alone, yet that seems to be all I ever do. Locked in my room. Lying on my bed as if it's a deserted island. Praying for someone to come rescue me. Every time my phone vibrates my heart flutters a little. "I get to have contact with someone!" I think to myself. What is this life?

What is this terrible torture I'm living in? The dungeon of my mind.

I can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to find any kind of motivation. I can't even make my bed. This house is a constant reminder of what I've lost. The whole reason I moved here was because of my parents' separation when I was 10. I lost some of my best friends. I lost being able to ride horses. I lost my sun-shiny home of good ole Jupiter, Florida.

I never felt at home here. Ever since I moved here it's been a constant battle of trying to be accepted. Trying to find a place in this small town where everyone knows every little thing there is to know. It's not a very friendly place for a chubby, short-haired, tom-boy, sixth-grader to move. This place I now call "home" is the place where I began to lose my innocence. I was introduced to gossip, slander, and the constant game of trying to be "good enough." Trying to be good enough to be invited to the popular people's parties. Trying to be good enough to get a "boyfriend" so I don't look like a prude.

I never once felt a twinge of joy if I accomplished any of these feats. It was all temporary happiness. When it was gone, it left me more empty then before.

While it has been nine months since my father passed, it's also been nine months since another most memorable moment.

My 20th birthday.

On that day, God showed up.

God happened.

If you read my "God is with Me" post, I gave a little snap shot of what happen, but to re-cap for those of you who didn't get a chance, this is what happened.
On October 10 at 10pm, 50+ harding students met in the McInteer Bible building on Harding's campus. I was able to be skyped in to witness the Spirit's work. They sang, prayed, and encouraged me. It was by far the best birthday I could have had.

From that moment on, I knew I was going to be okay. I knew God had me.

He hasn't left me.

While these have been some of the most difficult nine months of my life, God has not stopped taking care of me.

I mean, I passed all of my classes! That's enough proof alone! :) But that's not at all where it stops.

I was asked to speak at Harding's Fall lectureship series. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a pretty big deal. I'm one of 4 Female Harding students that will be speaking. On top of that, I'll be the only junior. Like WHAT EVEN!?

I found a therapist who I can't even begin to explain what he's done for me. I've also started taking an anti-depressant. Who would have thought?

I have the greatest friends in the world. I couldn't ask for better ones even if I could think up what a better friend would be like!

I got to serve as a counselor for teens at Uplift 2013 (Harding's Bible camp for 7-High School Grads). What a blessing that was. I was able to be blessed by the girls on my hall as well as so many other campers, but the most incredible thing had to be working with the other counselors! God used me up in those 3 weeks I was there. Constantly pouring myself out and having Him fill me back up again so I could do it all agin the next day. I was able to share my story and had girls come to me with similar situations. Just goes to show that we're not alone in our struggles.

God is working in my life.

I spent most of my life trying to be "good enough" for others. It was so tiring and never fulfilling. Just when I accepted the fact that I will never be good enough, God showed me, in my weaknesses, that HE is Good enough; therefore, I don't have to be.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG!" - II Corinthians 12: 9-10